I am awesome

I always seem to care about what people think, more like I just want to please everyone and be good enough for everyone.  Seriously?  WHO CARES!  Why can't I just be good enough for myself for once?  I am battling a lot and look at me...I'm still fighting.  That's awesome for me...especially since half of that time I didn't want to keep fighting.  I am a caring person.  I will do whatever I can to help people, and while yes sometimes I get taken advantage of, I wouldn't change it for the world.  I am taking the dedication it takes not only to get an education for myself, but to do it online, essentially meaning on my own.  I don't have someone telling me when to do classes or when to turn things in.  I have to take everything upon myself to get it done.  So you know what I say to those people who say I'm not good enough- SUCK IT! haha I am awesome, I love myself and that's all that freakin matters.  :-D

Rough Time---But getting better

So I've been having kind of a rough time lately.  There are a lot of factors going into this.  Part of it us just that I think my meds need changed around and I had to cancel my most recent doctor's appointment so I haven't been in awhile. Lately, a friend of mine has seemed pretty unsupportive lately and it's upsetting me.  I know they're not doing it on purpose so I've been trying not to get mad...but it's been hard.  I also know that in this most recent rough time I can be doing nothing but annoying a few of the people around me, including just always freaking out, etc.  So I've been working on not bothering them or anyone else (not counting this blog because no one has to read it and I'm just kind of venting to no one lol).  Here's the thing- the more I bottle up, the worse I feel.  The more I let out, the more I annoy and piss people off.  So I'm stuck either way.

Specifically lately besides just the generalness of what I suffer from, I've always hit a pretty low feeling of failure.  Failure to my friends, family, school, any job I've ever had, finances, progress with my therapist, church, and other stuff.  I'm at a very difficult point right now and I just feel completely alone.  I've been trying hard to focus on the church and trust in the Lord, but when I get to these points, it's very difficult.  I still have a testimony and I still know things like I'm not alone and Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me, but it's just so hard to feel and acknowledge.  So for now, I just feel completely alone and try to face this all---I will say recently I went to the movies with someone and had fun and got my mind off of stuff for awhile, so that was a huge help.  These "episodes" of how I've been feeling can last anywhere from a few hours, to a few days, or more.
Hopefully soon this will pass and I'll be feeling good again because trust me, I am not always like this anymore since I've gotten help, and have never wanted to be like this.  I just need people to bear with me.  I know Heavenly Father will help me.  Today started out difficult, but by the end of church I was feeling much better.  I'm feeling pretty good now, so hopefully this is the end of my "rough time"  cause that would be super awesome :) haha

Prayers

I love this church and the gospel.  I don't know what I would do without it.  I'm having another rough day (to the point that I ended up calling off because I was making myself so sick.)  I read my Patriarchal Blessing this evening because it's been awhile and it seemed like it was about time to read it again.  There is one line in there that continues to make me cry every single time I read it.  "You knew beforehand many of the trials, tribulations, and challenges you would have to overcome, yet you accepted without hesitation."  First of all, was I crazy?  But putting that aside...it really makes me think.  If I knew in the preexistence the things that I would go through during this life, and yet I didn't hesitate one bit before accepting...then this must truly be worth it.  Something that came up in Sacrament meeting this week was a story with a lesson along the lines of sometimes God asks us to climb one hill to make us stronger to climb another.  If this is the case, if this is the hill that I'm on to be prepared for something else that will happen in the future....well I don't even want to think about it.  I love reading about the strength and faith and courage all these families in the scriptures show.  It truly shows me the Lord knows us and loves us and knows what is best for us, even if we think we know otherwise.  I know that I am being watched over by my Heavenly Father, through answers to my prayers, by friends and people in the branch.  So I always find some of my favorite scriptures when I'm having these rough times, and these scriptures that I find are always an answer to my prayers and they always make me feel like Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are sitting right next to me speaking to only me.  One of those scriptures is:

 -D&C 24:8  "Be patient in afflictions for thou shalt have many:  But endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days."

another one is John 16:33 "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace.  In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."

so today's scripture that I found that helped me is in Mosiah 24:14-15
"And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders , that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.
"And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord."

Scattered

So I have a lot on my mind...I'm just gonna type

Recently I had a couple of extremely rough weeks.  It was very difficult for me to even handle simple every day tasks without breaking down.  It was a really dark time and feeling, and I am so thankful for awesome friends that are Priesthood worthy.  One of my good friends came down to my place one morning during all this to give me a blessing.  It didn't take things away, but it brought me a little comfort.  I'm feeling a little better...still not super, but well enough to at least get a smile on my face, whether its real or not doesn't really matter.

I also have gotten a new job.  I am finally getting out of retail and into the hotel business.  I want to eventually be a hotel/resort manager or even better, own my own!  I'm super excited

So my callings, I'm grateful for them.  It's kind of a lot on my plate with everything else, but I am grateful to be able to serve the Sister's of the branch and serve the Lord.  I hope I'm doing a good enough job.
I truly love the branch.  I am so glad that Heavenly Father helped me to return to church because the way things are going, I don't know what I would do without the church and without the branch.  They are truly awesome people!

So another thing I want to express about how grateful I am for are my cousins.  My youngest cousin just graduated high school and I am so proud of her!  And I am so thankful for all my cousins.  I'm so glad we get along the way we do and that we live close enough to be close.  They are the friends that are stuck with you always, and it's great to have them in your life.  I am also super excited for my cousin to come home from Afghanistan!  woo hoo!  I love all of you guys!

Don't really have a whole lot more going on at the moment.  Working out with a trainer, finishing up my semester, fun stuff like that