Some thoughts

I've had a very rough and trying weekend; I don't want to go into any sort of detail about what happened, but my testimony grew.  First of all, with what happened last night, I managed to be able to call a friend and I'm really glad I had that friend that I could call.  Someone who was going to remind me he cared about me and loved me and helped calm me down, while insisting I talk to President Koide today.  While my friend helped and I knew talking to President Koide today would help, there were several hours in between that I really needed some help.  I've been seriously slacking in my personal scripture study and prayers lately, and I realized that was something I needed right then.  So it's about one in the morning and I'm trying my best to stay awake to do this.  I figured it was about time to read my patriarchal blessing as well because it's been awhile since I last read it; that more than any of the other scripture reading helped me the most.  Things stood out to me that never had before and it strengthened my testimony about how much Heavenly Father knows and loves us.  It helped me realize my patriarchal blessing really is guide for my entire life and that at certain times I'm going to need certain things.  I then read my scriptures and said my prayers.  While I was in tears praying I literally felt arms wrap around me, which isn't the first time I've had that experience, but it helps me grow every time.  I know that Heavenly Father knows me.  I know that He loves me and knows what is best for me.  Sacrament meeting talks were exactly what I needed to hear today, as well as my talk with President Koide.  Things aren't any better, but my vision is a little clearer. 

Spiritual Thought---and some Thanks

So I realized it's been awhile since I've posted a Spiritual thought, and I've been preparing to give a talk on Friday for Jamie's baptism so I thought its about time to post one.

So in getting ready for Jamie's baptism I've been thinking a lot about my own testimony and my own "conversion" story.  I grew up in the church (for those of you who don't know, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.)  Sometime around my sophomore year of high school I became inactive.  I stopped believing in everything and let my testimony fall.  I stopped going to church and started making decision I really shouldn't have been making.  Granted, I could have been out there making much worse decisions, but regardless, they weren't the best.  There were a lot of factors that went into all this that I don't want to talk about, but it was a big complicated mess.  After several years and a few failed attempts of going back, I finally made it back.  I have a lot of issues going on that to be honest make things pretty difficult sometimes.  I always have that testimony but sometimes it's hard to "feel" it? If that makes any sense. Like deep down inside I know everything---like about how much my Heavenly Father loves me, and how I'm never alone, and there's a purpose behind my trials etc etc etc---but when I hit certain points, sometimes my vision is clouded.  However, I wouldn't be here at this point at all if it weren't for all the awesome amazing people at the branch who took me in and supported me when I started coming back to church.  A year ago, I was still swearing, making choices I shouldn't have been, and not doing anything related to church.  Now, I have 2 callings, I'm serving on the committee for the Barn Dance, I go out with the missionaries, I've changed my behaviors, I'm getting help with the things I need help with...it's been an amazing year.  
I try to take the time to tell the people I care about thank you, and looking back on all of this, there's quite a few people who have been amazing too me
1. My original Visiting Teachers- Andrea and Shandee---they have both been amazing to me.  So supportive, caring, and a great example.
2. Amber- ever since I met her I knew what an amazing person she was.  Seriously, I can't even begin to describe it
3. Eric (original home teacher) and Justin- I think between the two of them, they somehow deal with all of my crazy.  They are amazing friends and have been for me so much lately...I don't know how they put up with me (seriously)


So thinking about all that has changed and all the decisions and changes Jamie has been making it makes me so grateful for this church.  Despite having my vision clouded sometimes, or losing the knowledge for a short period of time, I know that this church is the only 100% true church on the earth.  I know that the Savior died for us, not only for our sins, but also our trials, our struggles, our loneliness, etc etc.  He is the one who will always know what I'm going through.  I know that we receive answers to our prayers, even if they aren't in the way or time frame we'd like them too.  I know Joseph Smith was called as a prophet of God to restore this gospel.  And I know that even though it doesn't feel like it, there is a purpose in our trials and our life and that we wouldn't be here otherwise.  Thank you to everyone who has been there for me.  I can't tell you what it means to me.

Get it straight, it's not what I chose

There's been a lot happening lately and I'm bored at work so, here's a 2am update :)

1. A lot of you already know, but I was walking to manager early last week and he asked if I would be interested in working a few more shifts a week at another hotel.  So our corporate group (Shaner) owns a few hotels around here- Springhill Suites (where I work), Holiday Inn Express, Hampton Inn, and the Fairfield Inn and Suites.  Springhill and Fairfield are both Marriott as well.  Well the Fairfield is in need of some night audits shifts covered, so I am working 2-3 nights at both hotels now.  I'm pretty excited.  I've been in contact with the manager over there to get everything sorted out, and I will begin doing shifts there next week.  It feels good to know I'm doing a good enough job that my manager is confident enough to ask me to do this.  I also checked up with him to see how I was doing overall, see if there was anything that needed fixing or anything but he said I'm doing an excellent job.  Again, it feels good.  I'm not used to not majorly screwing up at work haha

2.Andrea and Bobby have FINALLY gotten married.  I am so incredibly happy for them.  They looked so happy and were absolutely glowing.  They are absolutely perfect for each, and their reception was a ton of fun; as was the car ride too and there.  I had one girl Brittany, and then Justin and Fillerup---seriously, who could not have a fun time with this group of people in the car?! haha---it was Brittany's first time meeting Justin and Eric but she didn't seem too spooked by them.

3.I am continuing to plug away at my callings.  I've also been asked to serve on the committee for the Barn Dance in September, which of course will be a blast.  I may be working that night so I probably won't be able to stay for all of it, but it'll still be fun.  Justin also asked me to today to speak at Jamie's baptism on Friday.  I'm excited for him, he's totally awesome and you can definitely feel the Spirit whenever you're around him.

4. We are down to just 66 days until my road trip with Amber.  It is going to be so much fun and this road trip/vacation will be totally needed

5.Started my new semester on Saturday.  My goal is to have this class done by my birthday (Sept 17) Should be pretty manageable I think.

6. So something has been kind of bothering me lately family wise.  I continue to hear people around me say that I chose not to go to college and that my online classes isn't real college.  First of all, I didn't choose to not go to college.  I applied to 4 schools, got into all 4, and planned to go down to Florida to major in Hotel Management.  What happened was finances.  I didn't always have the best of grades because of some personal things that happened in High School.  So because of this, I wasn't able to grab any scholarships.  I wasn't able to get any loans because I either needed 2 years of good credit, or a cosigner.  I didn't have any credit to my name and my parents said they couldn't cosign for me.  I also couldn't get any help or information I needed to be filling out the financial aid papers.  So I was kind of jammed, I didn't really have a choice at this point.  So I just continued working full time.  Then as I was being pressured by everyone around me, I found my way to online college.  Don't get me wrong I was working towards getting to school, but I wanted to be able to have some more money on my side and go to school at an actual campus; but everyone just had a very negative attitude towards me about me "choosing" not to go to school (again, not what happened.)  So I started looking into online school, and I do really enjoy it, but because it's online I am working towards a less specific major than I wanted.  So the other thing is people say that it's not a real college.  While yes I agree it is very different from going on campus to school, it is still very much real.  I am still getting the same diploma, I am still doing the same amount of semesters and doing the work.  While I haven't gone to school on campus I feel like it's just as difficult it not more than going on campus because I have to find the time, motivation, and everything to do it all on my own.  I don't have a set class schedule and I don't have a list of times I have to go to lectures etc etc

Thinking

It's been no secret to anyone that I have been having a really rough time lately.  As annoying as I am to the people around me, please understand that I am just as annoyed.  It is so frustrating that I keep falling deeper and deeper into this hole and I can't pull myself out.  I've had some amazing people in my life lately but I can't even imagine how in the world they put up with me, seriously.  You know, I've had so many friendships get screwed up that I can't deal with going through that again; and I can promise you almost every one of those I have somehow screwed up.  So I've been trying to find ways to relearn how to hide everything again so people don't have to deal with me.  I haven't been doing well with it yet, but I keep trying.  Soon I will be able to answer "Great" with a smile every time someone asks me how I am.  Soon I will be able to say "nothing" when I'm asked if there's anything wrong.  Soon no one but me will know what's going on.  Already only one person has any insight to what's going on, and even he doesn't know about half of it.  I try to spend a lot of my time doing things for everyone else and not a lot on me, and that will be increasing even more.  It scares me that people know what's going on with me.  I'm too afraid of getting hurt again.


On to other subjects-

Sent in my down payment for the next semester, which means I'll be starting it next week.  I'm hoping to get it down much faster than I did last semester.  I'll be taking 5 classes again this semester-
Principles of Management
Business and Technical Writing
Managerial Accounting
Speech
Economics 1
Should be okay, I had trouble with my accounting class last semester, so we'll see what happens.  I'll have more time to work on school though so hopefully it'll just go better this time around. 

I get to go 35 hours straight before I get to sleep!  I'm working 11pm-7am tonight, picking up the Missionaries, church from 11-2 in the morning, probably some sort of meeting afterwards, dropping the Missionaries off, Break the Fast at 4pm, Missionary Open house at 7pm, then work again 11-7 Sunday night...holy freakin crap I'm going to die.  Sleep on Monday, FHE Monday night and then work again 11-7.  Tomorrow (Today) will be interesting...I'm sure I will have things thrown at me when I start snoring during church haha

I got to get out of work for a couple of minutes this evening.  Our fax machine is broken so I had to walk over some paperwork.  Nice fresh air while I'm stuck inside.

Still not getting anywhere with my ancestors on my Dad's side of the family.  It is extremely frustrating.  I want to let it go but I feel like since it's this difficult to find information, that maybe there's some crazy story there, so now I wanna keep looking. 

I'm gonna be babysitting soon for a family I met a couple of weeks ago.  They have 2 kids, a 2 year old and 6 year old. I'll just be watching the 6 year old a couple hours a week, and then probably some occasional nights when I'm needed.  I've been in contact with a couple other people who are looking for occasional sitters, just so I can make a little extra money.  I'm also thinking of looking for a 2nd job to add some more hours to my week.  I LOVE my job and I'm so happy where I am, but something I tend to do when I hit certain low points is trying to overwork myself, especially if I'm not talking to people, plus I need more money and I knew that when I took the job at the hotel it would only be 2-3 nights a week.  So I'm looking for something easy a couple more days a week.  Then I'll have church callings, babysitting, school, hotel, and the 2nd job if it happens.  It shall be interesting.

Everything is absolutely awesome...

...and always will be :)  I am going to relearn how to hide everything again and not deal with it.  Make it all easier....so anyways-

All my grades are posted for this semester.  I did decent this semester, except for my accounting class, which I had a lot of trouble with.  Now I just have to get my first payment in for next semester and I;ll be starting that.  My goal is to be finished by the end of January.  I hope it goes well.

Work is still going well.  I still love my job.  This weekend was the first weekend I was officially by myself.  (Meaning the past two weeks even when there was someone else there, I still did everything almost entirely by myself.)  I think I only made one mistake all weekend.  Wish I hadn't made any, but as long as they don't think I'm idiot.  I've been there for a month now, so in theory that'll be one of the last times.  The people are great though, I love it.

So I've gone with the Sister Missionaries a few times to teach this guy Jamie, I just have yo tell you how awesome this guy is.  All he wants to do is learn more and more.  He's totally into all the teachings of the gospel.  He's getting baptized in a few weeks and I'm so excited for him! 

So anyways, people know I've been having a rough time lately, which is going to change while I relearn how to hide everything and stuff...but with everything going on, I am very grateful for certain people in my life lately, especially Kylie, Eric, and Justin.  They've been helping me a lot lately.  Thank you guys so much!  It means the world to me.

Two Awesome People

It's sad when the only thing going right in your life, if the thing that normally doesn't. 
My job/work is going really well.  I love it there and I am so happy there.

Everything else has just been crazy.  I mean, it could be worse...but it just keeps piling up and I haven't been dealing with it.   I'm really lucky to have the friends I have though, especially in the church who have the Priesthood authority and can give me a blessing when I need it.  Another friend this week has been pretty awesome in listening to me flip out about everything.  I was able to tell him some things that no one knows right now.  I didn't want to talk to anyone about it, but the burden is gave me not doing it was too overwhelming.  The night we talked about it, I instantly felt some relief.  Someone knew, I wasn't completely alone dealing with it anymore.  That really meant a lot to me.  These two friends have been absolutely amazing lately and I don't know what I'd do without them. 

Awesome

From now on, everything is completely awesome! :) Woo hoo

I apparently am sick though, I've been sleeping a lot the past few days, it sucks.

Doing my best to continue to take care of everyone and everything around me.

Work shifts this week are weird, 6pm-2am...fun stuff

School finals coming up, I'll be glad when they're over.

Therapist comes back in a couple weeks....lets hope I can afford to back in to see her.