A lot on my mind....

There's been a lot on my mind lately, a lot of things going on. 

First of all, I have now been seeing my therapist since October once a week for the most part, well my therapist told me a couple months ago that she was pregnant and was due at the end of April.  So since then we have discussed what kind of options I had for the few months that she would be on leave.  First, I could choose to see someone else entirely every week while she (Laura) was gone and then when she returned I could come back to her, or continue to see the new one.  My second option is to see nobody while she is gone; and my third option is to see how I do without weekly visits but can come in and see somebody if I'm having a rough patch and then go back to Laura or stay with the new person.  I am still not at the point where I can do any of this by myself yet.  I have made an incredible amount of progress in the past six months or so, but I'm still not in a place I'll be able to do well.  However, here's the problem...um I don't wanna go with someone new.  I refused help for so long, I tried dealing with everything by myself for years before I finally realized it wasn't going to be possible.  I went in to my first session with Laura (keep in mind all of this was my choice)  with a very closed mind.  When I was younger and my parents made me see someone in elementary/middle school, I couldn't stand him.  I couldn't trust him, he wasn't helping, and eventually stopped seeing him; so I didn't really go into this therapy session with the best intentions...more like I was desperate.  By the end of the first session I was in tears talking about a few things that I had not told ANYBODY...there's some things from my past that I don't want anyone to know and I don't want to talk about anymore...I managed to get enough of it out to my therapist to be able to work with it and connect it to what's going on now, but I'm scared to see somebody new and have to go through all the past stuff again.  Laura said repeating it again, living through it again could be very helpful...to have someone else on my side and to validate what I feel....but I'm scared, I don't want to do that.  So my final decision was to see how I do, but if I run into problems I'll call in and make an appointment with someone else.  All this being said, I will still be seeing my psychiatrist so it won't be a complete wash out.


My new job-  so far, I love it.  I am treated better, paid more, and the people are awesome.  The only thing is I'm having back pains so I'm waiting for approval for a temporary accommodation till it's better.  However because it's a new job, I feel bad about the whole thing.

Lately I've been really tired, lacking in energy; it's seriously killing me.  I've been randomly falling asleep during the day sitting up while I'm studying, having trouble keeping my eyes open while driving.  I've been sleeping on the same sleep pattern that I have been, nothing really has changed so I don't understand what's going on.  It's effecting my mood/attitude elsewhere....uugghhhhhhhhh

I've been trying to rely on the Lord the best I can, and do everything I need to be doing...I just feel like the past couple weeks I've gone backwards compared to where I was...it's very frustrating.  I know I've made progress, a lot of progress, and I know that I have resources to do okay and that really, I can go without a therapist session every single week if I had to cause I've done it with weeks in between before...just...everything that I'm feeling lately I feel like it just making one step forward ten steps back.  I'm really grateful for all the blessings Heavenly Father has provided me with though and for the all the awesome people he has put in my life.  <3