Two Awesome People

It's sad when the only thing going right in your life, if the thing that normally doesn't. 
My job/work is going really well.  I love it there and I am so happy there.

Everything else has just been crazy.  I mean, it could be worse...but it just keeps piling up and I haven't been dealing with it.   I'm really lucky to have the friends I have though, especially in the church who have the Priesthood authority and can give me a blessing when I need it.  Another friend this week has been pretty awesome in listening to me flip out about everything.  I was able to tell him some things that no one knows right now.  I didn't want to talk to anyone about it, but the burden is gave me not doing it was too overwhelming.  The night we talked about it, I instantly felt some relief.  Someone knew, I wasn't completely alone dealing with it anymore.  That really meant a lot to me.  These two friends have been absolutely amazing lately and I don't know what I'd do without them. 

Awesome

From now on, everything is completely awesome! :) Woo hoo

I apparently am sick though, I've been sleeping a lot the past few days, it sucks.

Doing my best to continue to take care of everyone and everything around me.

Work shifts this week are weird, 6pm-2am...fun stuff

School finals coming up, I'll be glad when they're over.

Therapist comes back in a couple weeks....lets hope I can afford to back in to see her.

"The Bottom"

You suffocate
You cannot wait for this to just be over
You wanna run and just be done
You're what you can't control here

Don't know what you're thinking
This ship is sinking

I'll meet you at the bottom
The waves can't wash away all the scars you bare
See you at the bottom
You just hold on to the things that keep you there

You suffer the cost when all this is lost
It just doesn't make sense to go there
All the hate that your fear
It slowly appears back into your life no control

Don't know what you're thinking
This ship is sinking

I'll meet you at the bottom
The waves can't wash away all the scars you bare
See you at the bottom
You just hold on to the things that keep you there

Just fucking stand for something
You'll never take us all
You never get it right
You never get it right
We'll always stand and fight
You never get it right
It's cold down here at the bottom

I'll meet you at the bottom
The waves can't wash away all the scars you bare
See you at the bottom
You just hold on to the things that keep you there

"The Bottom" by Staind

I'm bored at work...yay for overnight shifts

Things have been rough lately.  I feel like I say this a lot?  I go through weird episodes; I'll be great for a period of time, and then I have a really rough time.  The rough times seem to last from a few hours to a few days; I'm starting to come out of my most recent rough time.  There has just been a lot of stuff going on, and it just piles up and gets overwhelming.  A lot of feeling undeserving and worthlessness.   It's times like these I could not be more grateful for the gospel.  Granted, when I hit these low points sometimes it's hard to 'feel' everything and feel the Spirit and everything, but I always have a testimony and I always know what the truth is, it just gets difficult.  But lucky for me, I have some awesome friends who help me out :)
My therapist comes back in a couple of weeks, which in theory should be a good thing, but our insurance told the doctors office I was being terminated again (again, their screw up, we JUST got it finally taken care of from January when they did this) and I can't get my mom to call about it, so until that happens, I'm not making any appointments because I can't afford the full price.  It also will cause problems with my medicine.  Not much, normally I pay $0.80 and without insurance I pay $8...that's 10x more!  *sigh*

So I finally finished my semester!  I just have to take my finals!  woo hoo!  That is one little bit of stress off my shoulders.  I'm excited to start my next semester with a clean slate. Now that I am working at Marriott, it makes school a little bit easier.  I am in a job in my field of interest!  Now, when the time comes, I have my foot in the door, I have some experience to start with.  I never expected to be done with school and go straight to hotel management, I knew I would have to start out at the ground level, which is why I wanted to get to that ground level now, while I still had a couple years of school.  I'm looking into an internship at Disney World that my cousin did this past year.  It would be really super awesome, all the change just freaks me out.  I'm applying though when they start accepting in September, I'm just not doing it in a calm way haha

My callings are going well I think.  I haven't really heard otherwise.  That is one thing that overwhelms me sometimes, especially being the Compassionate Service Leader and making sure I'm doing my best to take care of everyone the best I can, which causes some frustration when I'm the one who needs help, but it's all good.

So I've started working on family history, and for right now I'm pretty much entering in information that my parents already have.  So right now it's not too difficult, but I've started trying to find some information on my dad's side.  His grandfather on his dad's side, pretty much vanished out of thin air.  We cannot find ANY information past him anywhere and it's getting very frustrating.  I say he got dropped off by aliens, which explains a lot about our family haha! 

AAGGHH---oh yeah, some important stuff too

There is so much on my mind lately....
So my friend Amber and I were talking the other night and I had brought up some of the things that people say to make me feel better that really just pisses me off.  Their intentions are good, but they just don't have any idea what they're saying.  Here's the thing with depression, unless you have personally gone through it, or been close with someone who has (and I mean actually being diagnosed with depression as a mental illness, not having a bad day because your bf/gf broke up with you) then it's difficult to understand, and I know that.  Here's the problem...people think that we can just "wish" ourselves happy.  "Oh just think positive" or "Fake it till you make it" and "you choose to be happy"  seriously?  Don't you think that if it was that easy that I would have done that?  Trust me, there is nothing I want more than to not feel like this.  It usually just upsets me more really.

So I'm doing okay today...and I mean okay as in I'm okay enough to be able to fake like I'm doing better.  It's just one of those blah days.  Headache, achy, stuff like that.
I've decided that today I need to think about the things that I am grateful for and take the time to give that thanks.  So here it goes---


The Gospel- Of course I have to be thankful for this.  I love this church.  I know that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the only true church.  I am so thankful for a Heavenly Father who knows and loves me, even during the times that it is difficult for me to realize it.  I am thankful for His Son, our Savior, Jesus Christ who came to this earth to die for my sins, to die for your sins, and suffer for every pain or negative thins we experience in life.  I love the hymn "I Stand All Amazed"  the end of the hymn goes "Oh it is wonderful, that He should care for me, enough to die me.  Oh it is wonderful, wonderful to me"  How true is this statement?  How can anyone argue that we are not loved?  Look at what has been done for us.  I am also thankful for the Prophet Joseph Smith who followed the commandments and followed the Lord to restore the gospel to the earth, and for everything that he went through for the church.  If Joseph was willing to go through so much to restore this church, including losing his life, how can you say it isn't true?  If it wasn't true, he would not have willingly gone through all of that.  I am grateful that we have a prophet on the earth today to lead and guide us and receive revelation from God.  And I am thankful for the Missionaries and missionary work.  How amazing is it to take the truth I know and be able to teach others around me to know of that same truth and happiness. 

I am thankful for my best friend and her daughter who mean the entire world to me

I am thankful for my friend Doug.  When I met him right before high school he became one of my best friends and like my big brother.  He was there for me through a lot of stuff and really helped me with stuff.  I knew he was someone that if I ever needed anything he was going to be there.  We've had some rough spots in our friendship and haven't always been on talking terms, but we still have a friendship, and he is still my best friend and I know if I needed something, he will be there for me.

My friends in the branch---
---Andrea- My visiting teacher ever since I came back to church.  She is absolutely amazing!  She is such an example to me and she's always there to listen to me complain or vent anytime I need too or to just be around to hang out and talk girl talk.
---Amber- Again, what an amazing example.  This girl is too awesome for words.  Probably one of the most caring people I've ever met and I am so thankful to know her and have her in my life.
---Fillerup- He's someone who really cares and an awesome person to go to when you need a laugh
---Jennavier- just an awesome person!  She's so sweet and caring and one of those people that just gets along with anyone and everyone
---Justin- It's only been in the past few months that I've really gotten to know him, but I'm so glad I do.  He's someone that I know I could tell anything too.  He's very kind a very caring person.  He's an awesome friend and I would do anything in the world for him.  He can make me laugh and just forget about everything going on---again, it's only been in the last several months that I've really gotten to be friends with him, but I already consider him a very close friend and so glad to have him as a friend.

There's a lot more that I'm grateful for but I'm tired and I'll write more about it later.

Not Sure

I am really excited for my therapist to be coming back in a month or so.  I have my rough times off and on, but the thing is I am trying hard not to talk to anyone anymore when I need it.  I haven't been asking for help lately.  I know I really need to because I've been going more and more downhill and getting back to my path of a fake smile and a "I'm great" because I don't want to deal with stuff; which pushes all the progress I've made farther and farther away.  I've been feeling completely alone because of this.  I have done really well this year getting help for myself and getting better, but I've let myself get back to where I was before all of this again.  It frustrates me.  I know I shouldn't be at this place again, but somehow I've let myself get there.  And now I need to find the help and strength to take the steps to go back again.  I just feel alone, and like I don't have a friend in the world.  I mean, I have some friends...but here's the thing- because this is something I've dealt with for such a long time that I feel like I just annoy the one or two really close friends I have, so I've stopped bringing things up.  I have a friend or two that I've gotten to be pretty good friends with, that I know would be there for me if I needed him, but I'm scared because I don't want to piss off or annoy anyone else.  I don't want to ruin the friendship like I've ruined every single other one I've had.  Also with all of this, I seem to have an issue with really getting out how I feel, so no one really knows how bad things really are, and when I try to talk to someone, a friend, or parents, or branch president, or anyone else, it just gets brushed side because of it and also because again of dealing with it for so long, I just get ignored or brushed aside by a lot of people.  It really hurts and it really makes things more difficult.  So basically, no I'm not doing okay, but I'd rather just smile and say I'm great so I'm not dealing with being ignored, or ruining more friendships...But I also know, that the trials I face are for a reason and trusting the Lord, I know I will be able to get through anything.



My new job is freakin awesome!  I am an overnight auditor at a Marriott hotel.  I have only been there a couple weeks but I am in love with it.  The people are awesome, and the best thing about it, is that this is what I want to do when I'm done with school.  I want to someday own or manage my own hotel or resort.  So to know that I have a foot in the door already, makes the job a thousand times better, and makes school a little more bearable.


I love working out with my gym trainer.  I will say I need to step it up some on the days that I don't work out with him, but my trainer is awesome.  He kicks my butt!  He is very supportive and encouraging.  He has said several time my strength and stamina are getting better and I'm starting to see results elsewhere as well.  WOO HOOOOOOO!!!!  Nothing like feeling good right?