Not Sure

I am really excited for my therapist to be coming back in a month or so.  I have my rough times off and on, but the thing is I am trying hard not to talk to anyone anymore when I need it.  I haven't been asking for help lately.  I know I really need to because I've been going more and more downhill and getting back to my path of a fake smile and a "I'm great" because I don't want to deal with stuff; which pushes all the progress I've made farther and farther away.  I've been feeling completely alone because of this.  I have done really well this year getting help for myself and getting better, but I've let myself get back to where I was before all of this again.  It frustrates me.  I know I shouldn't be at this place again, but somehow I've let myself get there.  And now I need to find the help and strength to take the steps to go back again.  I just feel alone, and like I don't have a friend in the world.  I mean, I have some friends...but here's the thing- because this is something I've dealt with for such a long time that I feel like I just annoy the one or two really close friends I have, so I've stopped bringing things up.  I have a friend or two that I've gotten to be pretty good friends with, that I know would be there for me if I needed him, but I'm scared because I don't want to piss off or annoy anyone else.  I don't want to ruin the friendship like I've ruined every single other one I've had.  Also with all of this, I seem to have an issue with really getting out how I feel, so no one really knows how bad things really are, and when I try to talk to someone, a friend, or parents, or branch president, or anyone else, it just gets brushed side because of it and also because again of dealing with it for so long, I just get ignored or brushed aside by a lot of people.  It really hurts and it really makes things more difficult.  So basically, no I'm not doing okay, but I'd rather just smile and say I'm great so I'm not dealing with being ignored, or ruining more friendships...But I also know, that the trials I face are for a reason and trusting the Lord, I know I will be able to get through anything.



My new job is freakin awesome!  I am an overnight auditor at a Marriott hotel.  I have only been there a couple weeks but I am in love with it.  The people are awesome, and the best thing about it, is that this is what I want to do when I'm done with school.  I want to someday own or manage my own hotel or resort.  So to know that I have a foot in the door already, makes the job a thousand times better, and makes school a little more bearable.


I love working out with my gym trainer.  I will say I need to step it up some on the days that I don't work out with him, but my trainer is awesome.  He kicks my butt!  He is very supportive and encouraging.  He has said several time my strength and stamina are getting better and I'm starting to see results elsewhere as well.  WOO HOOOOOOO!!!!  Nothing like feeling good right?