Scattered

So I have a lot on my mind...I'm just gonna type

Recently I had a couple of extremely rough weeks.  It was very difficult for me to even handle simple every day tasks without breaking down.  It was a really dark time and feeling, and I am so thankful for awesome friends that are Priesthood worthy.  One of my good friends came down to my place one morning during all this to give me a blessing.  It didn't take things away, but it brought me a little comfort.  I'm feeling a little better...still not super, but well enough to at least get a smile on my face, whether its real or not doesn't really matter.

I also have gotten a new job.  I am finally getting out of retail and into the hotel business.  I want to eventually be a hotel/resort manager or even better, own my own!  I'm super excited

So my callings, I'm grateful for them.  It's kind of a lot on my plate with everything else, but I am grateful to be able to serve the Sister's of the branch and serve the Lord.  I hope I'm doing a good enough job.
I truly love the branch.  I am so glad that Heavenly Father helped me to return to church because the way things are going, I don't know what I would do without the church and without the branch.  They are truly awesome people!

So another thing I want to express about how grateful I am for are my cousins.  My youngest cousin just graduated high school and I am so proud of her!  And I am so thankful for all my cousins.  I'm so glad we get along the way we do and that we live close enough to be close.  They are the friends that are stuck with you always, and it's great to have them in your life.  I am also super excited for my cousin to come home from Afghanistan!  woo hoo!  I love all of you guys!

Don't really have a whole lot more going on at the moment.  Working out with a trainer, finishing up my semester, fun stuff like that

I can't believe how ignorant I was

I used to be ignorant and judgmental.  Not in the worst kind of way and I was never mean to anybody, but I didn't always say or think the nicest things about people.  And it always frustrated me when foreign people would come through my lines at work. making things difficult.  I always wanted to scream at them the learn English.  When I came across people of different religious backgrounds, I would always smile and nod as they talked about their church but wanting to scream at them how wrong and stupid they were.  What in the world was wrong with me?!  I didn't like this about myself and so I spent a lot of time praying for Heavenly Father to soften my heart, to help me be more tolerant, and understanding, and caring; to help me want to learn more about others and their backgrounds.  Yes, I do believe that my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the one and only complete true church on the earth today...but that doesn't mean that other churches don't have bits and pieces of truth.  It doesn't mean that it's wrong to believe in something else.  I would love to bring everyone with me to church so they could believe in the truth, but in this day in age, it's just great to know that there are so many people who do have believes.

Because of Heavenly Father's help, my thoughts and my attitude are much different.  When I come across immigrants/foreigners, I am so much more understanding.  There are a ton of reasons why people come to this country, and being here without knowing much is probably very difficult; it probably took a lot of courage to come to this country.  And when they come through my line and can speak even a little, it shows me they're trying.  What more can I expect?  You don't see me in another country speaking another language for a reason.  When people come through my line, I am actually interested in their stories, I want to learn about everyone's religion and where everyone comes from and what brings them here.  I am so thankful that Heavenly Father has blessed me to being able to feel this way :)

I have a lot to say- too bad the people I'd like to say it to probably won't ever see this

I am so sick of being treated like dirt.  I was in a situation with a friend "Bob" that I let him take advantage of me for so long and when I finally stood up for myself I'm the one who gets treated like crap.  Are you serious?  I did this person a favor, a HUGE favor that did a lot of damage to me, including having to move back home.  I spent time being understanding and not too worried about it being taken care of right away.  I was also "understanding" while Bob put himself in certain situations and then did nothing but sit around and complain about it instead of doing something about it.  Well two years later, I decide that I'm done with hearing the excuses and I stand up for myself to get this favor taken care of.  The only thing I did was tell him how serious I was about it this time, I was not a jerk, I treated him like a human being, I still cared about him and considered him a friend...and what happens?  I am the one who gets treated like dirt.  He acts like a jerk to me, and then when things are all taken care of I get a "Have a nice life"?!?!?!?!?!  What in the world?!?!?!  I am the one who had the right and the reasons to act like a jerk.  You were the one who took advantage of me and everything I did for you.  How does this even make sense to you?  I don't get it.  Well I hope you are happy with the way you left things because don't dare try to come back asking for or expecting anything in the world, because you won't be getting it.  I hope the people around you learn what you're really like real fast because things may be fine now...but soon, your little games and tricks will be up and they will realize the real you.

Now there is "Bob #2"...I considered him a very good friend and I did a lot of things to help him.  Anything I could in any aspect of the friendship...and I was treated like dirt...the thing is, I didn't acknowledge it back then.  He'd pick on me, take advantage over the fact that I considered him a good friend and would do a lot for him, and pushed me to breakdowns...I'm not saying Bob2 was always a jerk, he actually was really great about half the time...but the rest of the time- I just didn't deserve any of it and yet I put up with it...

Let me just say, I have learned a lot about what I deserve from these (and a few other friendships)  I've learned where the limits are and where the point is that I'm being taken advantage of. I'm a good person, and I try to be a good friend...but apparently that's my biggest weakness.  Well like I said, I've learned a lot.  There is only one person left in the entire world that I actually trust, that I know will not treat me like this and that's Kylie.  She's my sister, and I truly would do anything in the world for her, and give her everything I had or everything I could to help her if she needed it...but I know that she wouldn't be taking advantage of me.  She's my best friend, my sister, and her and her amazing daughter Keira are the greatest people ever.  I don't know what I would ever do without them. :)

Bbllaahh

Oh the joys of life...

I'm bored so I thought I'd do a small update...

Walmart is going great.  I enjoy it much more than I did at Target.  I got called into the management office though last night.  Oh man that walk from the registers to the back was terrible; I was freakin out trying to figure out what I could have done to get called back there; well. it turns out it wasn't anything bad.  They wanted to offer me a people greeter position because I had it marked as a current interest, something that I wouldn't mind doing, except when I marked it I didn't realize the pay grade was lower.  It will be a 40cent cut.  I didn't have to take it but as I was talking to Aaron he mentioned that because they only have 3 or 4 primary people greeters I'm basically guaranteed 32-33hours a week (the most I can get for part time)  and when you do the math, yes it's a small pay cut, but the increase in hours will make up for it.  I have averaged about 25 hours a week for cashier at 8.60 an hour is about $215 a week and 32 hours for people greet at 8.20 an hour is about $262.  There is less to worry about and less stress being a people greeter...which I'm not having any problems with feeling stressed at work or any anxiety attacks or anything but you know, with not seeing Laura for awhile it'll be nice to have that break.  And it's definitely not a position I plan on staying at for the rest of my life lol, I mean I've only been there a month for crying out loud.  I have a lot of other things marked on my current interests and if positions open up in any of those areas, if you have it marked in the computer as a current interest you're automatically considered for it. 


Not really a lot else going on besides getting over being sick...it's been real fun.

Yay for random boring unimportant posts haha

A lot on my mind....

There's been a lot on my mind lately, a lot of things going on. 

First of all, I have now been seeing my therapist since October once a week for the most part, well my therapist told me a couple months ago that she was pregnant and was due at the end of April.  So since then we have discussed what kind of options I had for the few months that she would be on leave.  First, I could choose to see someone else entirely every week while she (Laura) was gone and then when she returned I could come back to her, or continue to see the new one.  My second option is to see nobody while she is gone; and my third option is to see how I do without weekly visits but can come in and see somebody if I'm having a rough patch and then go back to Laura or stay with the new person.  I am still not at the point where I can do any of this by myself yet.  I have made an incredible amount of progress in the past six months or so, but I'm still not in a place I'll be able to do well.  However, here's the problem...um I don't wanna go with someone new.  I refused help for so long, I tried dealing with everything by myself for years before I finally realized it wasn't going to be possible.  I went in to my first session with Laura (keep in mind all of this was my choice)  with a very closed mind.  When I was younger and my parents made me see someone in elementary/middle school, I couldn't stand him.  I couldn't trust him, he wasn't helping, and eventually stopped seeing him; so I didn't really go into this therapy session with the best intentions...more like I was desperate.  By the end of the first session I was in tears talking about a few things that I had not told ANYBODY...there's some things from my past that I don't want anyone to know and I don't want to talk about anymore...I managed to get enough of it out to my therapist to be able to work with it and connect it to what's going on now, but I'm scared to see somebody new and have to go through all the past stuff again.  Laura said repeating it again, living through it again could be very helpful...to have someone else on my side and to validate what I feel....but I'm scared, I don't want to do that.  So my final decision was to see how I do, but if I run into problems I'll call in and make an appointment with someone else.  All this being said, I will still be seeing my psychiatrist so it won't be a complete wash out.


My new job-  so far, I love it.  I am treated better, paid more, and the people are awesome.  The only thing is I'm having back pains so I'm waiting for approval for a temporary accommodation till it's better.  However because it's a new job, I feel bad about the whole thing.

Lately I've been really tired, lacking in energy; it's seriously killing me.  I've been randomly falling asleep during the day sitting up while I'm studying, having trouble keeping my eyes open while driving.  I've been sleeping on the same sleep pattern that I have been, nothing really has changed so I don't understand what's going on.  It's effecting my mood/attitude elsewhere....uugghhhhhhhhh

I've been trying to rely on the Lord the best I can, and do everything I need to be doing...I just feel like the past couple weeks I've gone backwards compared to where I was...it's very frustrating.  I know I've made progress, a lot of progress, and I know that I have resources to do okay and that really, I can go without a therapist session every single week if I had to cause I've done it with weeks in between before...just...everything that I'm feeling lately I feel like it just making one step forward ten steps back.  I'm really grateful for all the blessings Heavenly Father has provided me with though and for the all the awesome people he has put in my life.  <3

Why Walmart?

So today is my last day at Target, and I am moving on to Wal-Mart.  I've had so many people ask why in the world would I do that, so I wanted to explain.

First there are the obvious things such as pay, hours, no more food ave stress, having the chance to work with my best friend eventually etc

However- there are also some personal reasons that have nothing to do with any of that.  Now that my depression has gotten better and I'm better handling things, the next thing to tackle is my anxiety.  At target, I've made sure to put myself in situations to avoid any possible anxiety attacks or issues.  I'm too used to it being like that, that even trying to change it there wouldn't work.  I need to overcome this instead of continuing to hide from it.  So I need thrown in the deep end, I can't take this slowly it's never going to work.  Starting over somewhere completely new is the only way to do it.  So that's why I'm making the move, not just for pay and hours, but also to be able to overcome some personal issues.

Just a Reminder

of awesome we all are :)  I love these songs...you are amazing, no matter who you are or where you come from...and I think these songs really have that message behind it








I didn't like the video for the next 2 songs, so here are the lyrics-
Lady Gaga- Born this way

[Intro:]
It doesn't matter if you love him, or capital H-I-M
Just put your paws up
'cause you were Born This Way, Baby

[Verse:]
My mama told me when I was young
We are all born superstars

She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on
In the glass of her boudoir

"There's nothing wrong with loving who you are"
She said, "'Cause he made you perfect, babe"

"So hold your head up girl and you'll go far,
Listen to me when I say"

[Chorus:]
I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

[Post-chorus:]
Oh there ain't no other way
Baby I was born this way
Baby I was born this way
Oh there ain't no other way
Baby I was born-
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don't be a drag -Just be a queen [x3]
Don't be!

[Verse:]
Give yourself prudence
And love your friends
Subway kid, rejoice your truth

In the religion of the insecure
I must be my self, respect my youth

A different lover is not a sin
Believe capital H-I-M (Hey hey hey)
I love my life I love this record and
Mi amore vole fe yah (Love needs faith)

[Repeat chorus + post-chorus]

[Bridge:]
Don't be a drag, just be a queen
Whether you're broke or evergreen
You're black, white, beige, chola descent
You're Lebanese, you're orient
Whether life's disabilities
Left you outcast, bullied, or teased
Rejoice and love yourself today
'cause baby you were born this way

No matter gay, straight, or bi,
lesbian, transgendered life,
I'm on the right track baby,
I was born to survive.
No matter black, white or beige
Chola or orient made,
I'm on the right track baby,
I was born to be brave.

[Repeat chorus]

[Outro/refrain:]

I was born this way hey!
I was born this way hey!
I'm on the right track baby
I was born this way hey!

I was born this way hey!
I was born this way hey!
I'm on the right track baby
I was born this way hey!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Perfect by Pink

Made a wrong turn once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good'
It didn't slow me down.
Mistaken, always second guessing
Underestimated, look I'm still around

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you are perfect to me

You're so mean when you talk
About yourself. You were wrong.
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead.

So complicated,
Look happy, You'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It's enough, I've done all I could think of
Chased down all my demons
I've seen you do the same
(ohh ohhhhhhh)

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you are perfect to me

The whole world's scared, so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line and we try try try but we try too hard
And it's a waste of my time.
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that, why do I do that (why do I do that)?

Pretty, pretty, pretty

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing than you are perfect to me
(you're perfect, you're perfect)
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you are perfect to me

A Genuine love of Christ

I have to tell you about this woman who came in to Target around Christmastime.  She came in a day or two before my cousin Jason was to come home for a 2 week leave from Afghanistan.  We somehow got on the topic of it while I was checking her out on register, and she brought up a relative she has also serving and she always adds anyone she hears about serving to her prayer list.  So she asked his name and everything like that and I thanked her for the prayers and went about the rest of my shift.  I kind of forgot about the incident until a month or so ago she come over to food ave and the first thing she said was "How's Jason doing?"  It completely threw me off.  The fact that she remembered who I was, who Jason was, and took the time to ask about him.  She added that she was still praying for him.  I then ran into her yesterday and again it was the same, "How's Jason doing?  Have you gotten to talk to him recently"  I think it was just amazing how much she cared for someone she barely knew (me) and a complete stranger (Jason)  then she began asking about me and how I was doing and how she was going to add me to her prayers too.  I think she is just an amazing example of the true love of Christ.  I have now of course added her to my prayers and I look forward to the next time I see her.  I love and enjoy her and it's nice to know there are still amazing people out in this world.

Awesome thinking- and Being an Example :)

I've been trying to find super quote for this entry, since I don't have a whole lot to say at the moment (shocker) haha

"For every affliction the world throws at us, the Savios has a remedy of superior healing power."  -Elder Tad R. Callister.  I think this quote is just amazing.  It is so reassuring and a huge reminder that there is a much larger plan in mind then we even realize.  Something I mentioned in my testimony last night was a small line in my Patriarchal Blessing says about how I knew many of the things I would face here on earth but I accepted without hesitation- boy was I dumb!  But no, I'm so grateful for that line because it tells me how much everything is worth.  We're given challenges and trials to learn...if we never had to deal with anything, we wouldn't learn anything.  I know that Heavenly Father won't give me or anyone else anything that we can't handle.  I love life!  and I love everyone in it, I couldn't ask for more awesome people.


So something else I wanted to bring up was something that has been big in the news lately in what happened at BYU with one of their star players being kicked off the team for violating the honor code- if you haven't heard anything about it check it out http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/cougars/51342026-88/davies-byu-team-code.html.csp  BYU's honor code isn't just to be a pain in the butt and make people feel inadequate, that honor code are the same standards, we as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints believe in.  There's been a lot of debate about this, some people applauding BYU, and others criticizing their choice.  That honor code was made known to everyone from day one, and they aren't going to bend the rules for one person, for one game, for one situation.  It's what we believe.  Elder L. Tom Perry said last night during a CES Young Adult Fireside that "Our voices must be heard in opposition, through these dangerous trends, which are destined to destroy the faith of mankind."  We have to be an example to everyone around us.  We have to be the ones to help lead others back to where they belong.  What BYU did was commendable and I am proud of them and proud to be be standing up for those same standards.

The Difference

As I continue my therapy sessions, I've noticed a huge difference.  I've been doing so well lately and it's just so freakin weird.  I mean their are days when I'll be driving, or working or anything thinking I'm depressed cause that's what I have been so used to and it takes a few minutes to realize that no, I'm not depressed...I feel good.  That's not to say that I don't still have a few rough times or bad days or anything, but it's happening so much less often...and those times are not as low as they used to be.  It's so weird but such a good weird.  My medicine and therapy are working....and of course Heavenly Father.  None of this would be possible if it weren't the strength He's given me to get help and all the opportunities He has provided me. 
Joseph Fielding McConkie said "It is not the design of Heaven that we be rescued from all difficult situations.  Rather it is the Lord's will that we learn to handle them."  Which is all totally true, but it kinda SUCKS sometimes haha.  But it's just an amazing difference lately it's hard to even comprehend. 

State Patty's Day

Probably the dumbest thing in the world.  College students make it up to have a St. Patrick's Day since most of the time March 17th falls on their spring break- like this town needs any more excuses to drink.  I think it's a tad ridiculous making up a holiday and the whole shabam- however, I applaud people this year.  Granted there was still a lot of drinking, a lot of accidents, and not a lot of change in town- HOWEVER I applaud the downtown businesses.  This weekend, many bars voluntarily closed, the ones that stayed open didn't offer drink specials and offered very few liquor drinks, and liquor stores closed by 6pm on Saturday.  Kudos.  Again, there were still a lot of problems and accidents, but there was an effort made, they took action to try to make this weekend different then the past.  It's the first step to helping this town get off it's alcohol dependency. 

My Testimony

So I wanted to take the time to share my testimony today-

I know that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the true church.  I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ live.  I know that They know us and care about us and always answer our prayers.  We just have to remember it may not always be in our time line or how we want it answered, but they are always answered.  I love the church and I am so grateful for the opportunity Heavenly Father gave me to make my way back to church and to Him.  I have seen so many great blessings since I came back to church.  I know there is a Prophet on the Earth today that is in direct communication with our Heavenly Father and leads us and guides us and helps us to make the right decisions.  I know that our families can be together forever after this lifetime.  I know that Joseph Smith truly saw Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in that magnificent vision, and I know he restored the church and translated the plates.  I have felt the Spirit answer my prayers about all of this and nothing anyone can do with make me waiver in my faith ever again

Valentines Day- HA

What a way for retailers to make money.  All of a sudden one random specific day, you are judged by whether or not you have someone to share the day with, and what you buy that person tells them how much you love them.  Seriously, this has to be a joke.  Yeah I know, Valentine's Day has all this history from thousands of years ago all with different version talking about this great stuff a St. Valentine did.  Okay well that's nice really, but what made into the holiday it is?  Why is it so important to show those you care about and how much on that one day.  Isn't this something we should be doing daily?  None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow, why wait until February 14 to make it known.  And why, WHY WHY WHY is it so important to buy all this stuff to show it?  Is simply telling them, or writing a heartfelt letter good enough?  Why do we have to go out and buy expensive jewelry and candy and flowers and take them out for dinner and if someone doesn't, they're considered a bad person.  I just think this is ridiculous, retail and our society is ruining things that should never have been ruined.  Don't give in to the 'typical' February 14 Valentine's Day.  Make every day a "Valentine's Day" and tell the people who mean the most to you how much you appreciate them, and make it count.

Don't let others influence you

For the absolute longest time I let so many affect how I thought about myself.  Most of my life I've had poor self esteem, wasn't confident, and always carried around with me every hurtful thing anyone ever said or did to me.  I cared to much about the comments and thoughts of my family, some old "so-called friends" and even strangers.  Kylie recently sent me a comment along the lines of "you're an adult, who cares what they think", and that started my kick of this new attitude which turned into a huge epiphany. 
I DO NOT CARE ANYMORE
I don't need to please anybody.  This is my life, and my decisions.  Who cares if someone around me doesn't think the schooling I'm doing is real, or judges me because of my depression and anxiety problems, who cares what anybody thinks!  I know who is really by my side and who supports or encourages me no matter what I do, and that's all that matters.  I feel great about this!  I feel relieved that I'm not gonna let others affect how I feel about myself.  I know I'm awesome.  I'm working. taking classes, getting help, doing my best with church, I have my best friend, I'm good at sudoku, I journal, I scrapbook, I AM AWESOME, I KNOW IT, AND I DONT CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK OR SAY ANYMORE

:) :) :) :)

Forgive and Forget?

I know we're supposed to forgive everybody no matter what wrong they have done to us, and I have to say, that is something I really struggle with.  Not only forgiving others, but myself as well.  I still get guilty about things that happened so long ago, things I've already apologized for and taken care of.  My biggest struggle is forgiving others who have hurt me.  I still get so upset about things people have done or said to me, and it's partly because of some of the patterns of thinking my therapist has come across....but because of this, it causes levels of trust to be comprised.  Anyone who has hurt me, I find very difficult to trust in later years.
However, when I know that person didn't mean to hurt me, it's a little easier to move past.  For example, someone at church this past week made a comment that really hurt my feelings, and I say all through Sacrament meeting thinking about it.  But I know that he didn't mean to hurt my feelings.  I know that he's unaware some of things that effect what he commented about, and even though it bothers me still a little, I have forgiven him because I know he didn't mean it. 
I just pray that someday I am able to get to the point that I know I have fully forgiven others and myself and forget about things that no longer matter anymore.  I know it's important, I know that if we are unable to forgive others, that we are not doing what Heavenly Father has asked of us.

Thinking about the past year- My testimony

So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.  A lot of about last year and where I was church wise, school wise, depression wise etc. 
So as some of you know, there were a few years I wasn't at church.  I hit such a low dark place and struggling a lot with my depression and anxiety that I felt like nothing could be true, that there was no way God was actually there.  As I slowly came back to church I started to realize a lot of things.  A lot of things such as just because I struggle with depression and everything, it doesn't mean that Heavenly Father isn't there.  It means that for whatever reason I'm supposed to go through this, and if Heavenly Father gave this to me, He's not going to leave me alone to handle it.  I know that I am never alone.  And now that I'm getting help me and my therapist are slowly working on my progress, and even though I still hit a lot of low points, I'm making a lot of progress and I know that is because of Heavenly Father.  I also know that when I do hit those low points, that even though it's hard to feel the Spirit of feel loved, I know I still I am. There is a much bigger plan than any of us can imagine, and I love that I know the truth.  I love that I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I love that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me enough to send His Son to die for me, loves me enough to always be with me, and answer my prayers.  I know that He knows each and every one of us, and if we just kneel in prayer and ask with real intent, we'll get the answers we're looking for.  Moroni 10:4-5
So much has changed this year and I couldn't be more grateful. 

What would I do

I just want to say how much I love my best friend.  I consider her my sister and I am so lucky to have her by my side.  We has been supporting and loving and awesome through everything and how in the world she deals with me all the time I will never know lmao.  Her and I went to karaoke last night and had a freakin blast!  It wouldn't have been the same without her.  I'm lucky to call her my Best Friend :)  I don't know what I'd do without her.  Just thought I'd let you know Kylie how thankful I am for you :) even though I tend to get sappy a lot and try to tell you a lot...but after last night I wanted to tell you again.  Can't wait for our next karaoke night! <3

I love answers to prayers

Last week was an extremely terrible week.  I was very stressed, depressed, and just in a very bad place.  January is usually a very difficult month for me, it was 9yrs ago this month my grandfather passed away, so that right after the holidays, doesn't normally help much.  I wasn't reading my scriptures or praying, or doing anything I was supposed to.  I couldn't even get myself to church.  Well this week has been a huge turn around.  First my visiting teachers came on monday.  I love them so much, Andrea and Shandee are such great friends and truly have the light and spirit of Christ within them.  Then work wasn't as terrible this week, home teachers Eric and Chad were here tonight and I spent today with my the bestest friend in the world.

But the biggest thing that happened was an answer to my prayers.  Monday night after my scripture reading I was in tears in prayer to feel better.  I didn't like where I was at and I felt completely alone.  I was frustrated and scared, and as I asked for comfort and help, I literally felt arms wrapping around me and I felt such an amazing love that I can't even describe it.  After that I opened my scriptures again before I put them away for the night and I opened to D&C 24 and found the scripture I needed more than anything in the world-

D&C 24:8
Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days.

Heavenly Father knew exactly what I needed that night and truly helped to strengthen my testimony.  I know that Heavenly Father hears and answers every prayer.  Maybe not in the way we would like, or in the timeline we would like...but I know He does.  I also know that as much as all this depression and anxiety and stuff really sucks and as much as I want to give up sometimes, I know there is a much larger plan for us and that for whatever reason it's just something we have to through.  I love this church and I love Heavenly Father and I love all my friends and the entire branch that I consider my family

Nothing super spiritual today

I have been having a very extremely rough week or two.  My depression and anxiety are becoming so unbearable.  For the most part I feel completely alone and just sit in my room thinking/crying.  One of my home teachers had caught wind of some of what's going on because of my facebook page, he asked if there was anything he could do and I just said no.  I don't like asking people to do things for me, and I didn't really know what could have been done even if I had asked.  I'm trying really hard to rely on the Lord and the scriptures but it's a serious struggle and I'm not getting far.  I spent this morning writing letters to the few missionaries I'm in contact with hoping it would help some, but it didn't really change anything.  *sigh*

Merry Christmas

So working in retail, it's really hard to keep the Christmas Spirit.  No one else feels it, all anyone cares about is getting everything they want.  Something that I now rely on to help me during my shifts is humming church hymns, primary songs, and lately of course Christmas songs.
Something I've been trying to work on lately is my attitude about others.  I am not generally a mean person, however my thoughts and my words of others when they aren't around aren't always the best.  A story about this that has always stuck with me.

A young lady named Sally, relates an experience she had in a seminary class, given by her teacher, whom we'll call Brother Smith. She says Brother Smith was known for his elaborate object lessons. One particular day, Sally walked into seminary and knew they were in for another fun day.

On the wall was a big target and on a nearby table were many darts. Brother Smith told the students to draw a picture of someone that they disliked or someone who had made them angry, and he would allow them to throw darts at the person's picture. Sally's girlfriend (on her right), drew a picture of a girl who had stolen her boyfriend. Another friend (on her left), drew a picture of his little brother. Sally drew a picture of Brother Smith, putting a great deal of detail into her drawing, even drawing pimples on his face. Sally was pleased at the overall effect she had achieved.

The class lined up and began throwing darts, with much laughter and hilarity. Some of the students threw their darts with such force that their targets were ripping apart. Sally looked forward to her turn, and was filled with disappointment when Brother Smith, because of time limits, asked the students to return to their seats. As Sally sat thinking about how angry she was because she didn't have a chance to throw any darts at her target, Brother Smith began removing the target from the wall. Underneath the target was a picture of Jesus ...

A complete hush fell over the room as each student viewed the mangled picture of Jesus; holes and jagged marks covered His face and His eyes were pierced out. Brother Smith said only these words, "In as much as ye have done it unto the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto Me." No other words were necessary; the tear-filled eyes of each student focused only on the picture of Christ. The students remained in their seats . . . even after the bell rang . . . then slowly left the classroom, tears streaming down their faces.

and of course to go along with that-  Matthew 25:40
"And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have ^adone it unto one of the ^bleast of these my ^cbrethren, ye have done it unto me."

I am really trying to be more Christlike in all that I do.  I'm not a mean person and I get along with most everyone...but when I get in bad moods or really depressed or I'm stressed or someone just really annoyed me...I don't always think the kindest things, and that is what I am trying my hardest to change.  Every time an unkind thought pops into my head I instantly try to find something nice about that person and compliment them on it right away...trying to overpower those negative thoughts about others because I know everyone is our Brother and Sister and I know just like that scripture and the story, when we do something hurtful to others, we're also doing it to the Lord.