Everything is absolutely awesome...

...and always will be :)  I am going to relearn how to hide everything again and not deal with it.  Make it all easier....so anyways-

All my grades are posted for this semester.  I did decent this semester, except for my accounting class, which I had a lot of trouble with.  Now I just have to get my first payment in for next semester and I;ll be starting that.  My goal is to be finished by the end of January.  I hope it goes well.

Work is still going well.  I still love my job.  This weekend was the first weekend I was officially by myself.  (Meaning the past two weeks even when there was someone else there, I still did everything almost entirely by myself.)  I think I only made one mistake all weekend.  Wish I hadn't made any, but as long as they don't think I'm idiot.  I've been there for a month now, so in theory that'll be one of the last times.  The people are great though, I love it.

So I've gone with the Sister Missionaries a few times to teach this guy Jamie, I just have yo tell you how awesome this guy is.  All he wants to do is learn more and more.  He's totally into all the teachings of the gospel.  He's getting baptized in a few weeks and I'm so excited for him! 

So anyways, people know I've been having a rough time lately, which is going to change while I relearn how to hide everything and stuff...but with everything going on, I am very grateful for certain people in my life lately, especially Kylie, Eric, and Justin.  They've been helping me a lot lately.  Thank you guys so much!  It means the world to me.

Two Awesome People

It's sad when the only thing going right in your life, if the thing that normally doesn't. 
My job/work is going really well.  I love it there and I am so happy there.

Everything else has just been crazy.  I mean, it could be worse...but it just keeps piling up and I haven't been dealing with it.   I'm really lucky to have the friends I have though, especially in the church who have the Priesthood authority and can give me a blessing when I need it.  Another friend this week has been pretty awesome in listening to me flip out about everything.  I was able to tell him some things that no one knows right now.  I didn't want to talk to anyone about it, but the burden is gave me not doing it was too overwhelming.  The night we talked about it, I instantly felt some relief.  Someone knew, I wasn't completely alone dealing with it anymore.  That really meant a lot to me.  These two friends have been absolutely amazing lately and I don't know what I'd do without them. 

Awesome

From now on, everything is completely awesome! :) Woo hoo

I apparently am sick though, I've been sleeping a lot the past few days, it sucks.

Doing my best to continue to take care of everyone and everything around me.

Work shifts this week are weird, 6pm-2am...fun stuff

School finals coming up, I'll be glad when they're over.

Therapist comes back in a couple weeks....lets hope I can afford to back in to see her.

"The Bottom"

You suffocate
You cannot wait for this to just be over
You wanna run and just be done
You're what you can't control here

Don't know what you're thinking
This ship is sinking

I'll meet you at the bottom
The waves can't wash away all the scars you bare
See you at the bottom
You just hold on to the things that keep you there

You suffer the cost when all this is lost
It just doesn't make sense to go there
All the hate that your fear
It slowly appears back into your life no control

Don't know what you're thinking
This ship is sinking

I'll meet you at the bottom
The waves can't wash away all the scars you bare
See you at the bottom
You just hold on to the things that keep you there

Just fucking stand for something
You'll never take us all
You never get it right
You never get it right
We'll always stand and fight
You never get it right
It's cold down here at the bottom

I'll meet you at the bottom
The waves can't wash away all the scars you bare
See you at the bottom
You just hold on to the things that keep you there

"The Bottom" by Staind

I'm bored at work...yay for overnight shifts

Things have been rough lately.  I feel like I say this a lot?  I go through weird episodes; I'll be great for a period of time, and then I have a really rough time.  The rough times seem to last from a few hours to a few days; I'm starting to come out of my most recent rough time.  There has just been a lot of stuff going on, and it just piles up and gets overwhelming.  A lot of feeling undeserving and worthlessness.   It's times like these I could not be more grateful for the gospel.  Granted, when I hit these low points sometimes it's hard to 'feel' everything and feel the Spirit and everything, but I always have a testimony and I always know what the truth is, it just gets difficult.  But lucky for me, I have some awesome friends who help me out :)
My therapist comes back in a couple of weeks, which in theory should be a good thing, but our insurance told the doctors office I was being terminated again (again, their screw up, we JUST got it finally taken care of from January when they did this) and I can't get my mom to call about it, so until that happens, I'm not making any appointments because I can't afford the full price.  It also will cause problems with my medicine.  Not much, normally I pay $0.80 and without insurance I pay $8...that's 10x more!  *sigh*

So I finally finished my semester!  I just have to take my finals!  woo hoo!  That is one little bit of stress off my shoulders.  I'm excited to start my next semester with a clean slate. Now that I am working at Marriott, it makes school a little bit easier.  I am in a job in my field of interest!  Now, when the time comes, I have my foot in the door, I have some experience to start with.  I never expected to be done with school and go straight to hotel management, I knew I would have to start out at the ground level, which is why I wanted to get to that ground level now, while I still had a couple years of school.  I'm looking into an internship at Disney World that my cousin did this past year.  It would be really super awesome, all the change just freaks me out.  I'm applying though when they start accepting in September, I'm just not doing it in a calm way haha

My callings are going well I think.  I haven't really heard otherwise.  That is one thing that overwhelms me sometimes, especially being the Compassionate Service Leader and making sure I'm doing my best to take care of everyone the best I can, which causes some frustration when I'm the one who needs help, but it's all good.

So I've started working on family history, and for right now I'm pretty much entering in information that my parents already have.  So right now it's not too difficult, but I've started trying to find some information on my dad's side.  His grandfather on his dad's side, pretty much vanished out of thin air.  We cannot find ANY information past him anywhere and it's getting very frustrating.  I say he got dropped off by aliens, which explains a lot about our family haha! 

AAGGHH---oh yeah, some important stuff too

There is so much on my mind lately....
So my friend Amber and I were talking the other night and I had brought up some of the things that people say to make me feel better that really just pisses me off.  Their intentions are good, but they just don't have any idea what they're saying.  Here's the thing with depression, unless you have personally gone through it, or been close with someone who has (and I mean actually being diagnosed with depression as a mental illness, not having a bad day because your bf/gf broke up with you) then it's difficult to understand, and I know that.  Here's the problem...people think that we can just "wish" ourselves happy.  "Oh just think positive" or "Fake it till you make it" and "you choose to be happy"  seriously?  Don't you think that if it was that easy that I would have done that?  Trust me, there is nothing I want more than to not feel like this.  It usually just upsets me more really.

So I'm doing okay today...and I mean okay as in I'm okay enough to be able to fake like I'm doing better.  It's just one of those blah days.  Headache, achy, stuff like that.
I've decided that today I need to think about the things that I am grateful for and take the time to give that thanks.  So here it goes---


The Gospel- Of course I have to be thankful for this.  I love this church.  I know that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the only true church.  I am so thankful for a Heavenly Father who knows and loves me, even during the times that it is difficult for me to realize it.  I am thankful for His Son, our Savior, Jesus Christ who came to this earth to die for my sins, to die for your sins, and suffer for every pain or negative thins we experience in life.  I love the hymn "I Stand All Amazed"  the end of the hymn goes "Oh it is wonderful, that He should care for me, enough to die me.  Oh it is wonderful, wonderful to me"  How true is this statement?  How can anyone argue that we are not loved?  Look at what has been done for us.  I am also thankful for the Prophet Joseph Smith who followed the commandments and followed the Lord to restore the gospel to the earth, and for everything that he went through for the church.  If Joseph was willing to go through so much to restore this church, including losing his life, how can you say it isn't true?  If it wasn't true, he would not have willingly gone through all of that.  I am grateful that we have a prophet on the earth today to lead and guide us and receive revelation from God.  And I am thankful for the Missionaries and missionary work.  How amazing is it to take the truth I know and be able to teach others around me to know of that same truth and happiness. 

I am thankful for my best friend and her daughter who mean the entire world to me

I am thankful for my friend Doug.  When I met him right before high school he became one of my best friends and like my big brother.  He was there for me through a lot of stuff and really helped me with stuff.  I knew he was someone that if I ever needed anything he was going to be there.  We've had some rough spots in our friendship and haven't always been on talking terms, but we still have a friendship, and he is still my best friend and I know if I needed something, he will be there for me.

My friends in the branch---
---Andrea- My visiting teacher ever since I came back to church.  She is absolutely amazing!  She is such an example to me and she's always there to listen to me complain or vent anytime I need too or to just be around to hang out and talk girl talk.
---Amber- Again, what an amazing example.  This girl is too awesome for words.  Probably one of the most caring people I've ever met and I am so thankful to know her and have her in my life.
---Fillerup- He's someone who really cares and an awesome person to go to when you need a laugh
---Jennavier- just an awesome person!  She's so sweet and caring and one of those people that just gets along with anyone and everyone
---Justin- It's only been in the past few months that I've really gotten to know him, but I'm so glad I do.  He's someone that I know I could tell anything too.  He's very kind a very caring person.  He's an awesome friend and I would do anything in the world for him.  He can make me laugh and just forget about everything going on---again, it's only been in the last several months that I've really gotten to be friends with him, but I already consider him a very close friend and so glad to have him as a friend.

There's a lot more that I'm grateful for but I'm tired and I'll write more about it later.

Not Sure

I am really excited for my therapist to be coming back in a month or so.  I have my rough times off and on, but the thing is I am trying hard not to talk to anyone anymore when I need it.  I haven't been asking for help lately.  I know I really need to because I've been going more and more downhill and getting back to my path of a fake smile and a "I'm great" because I don't want to deal with stuff; which pushes all the progress I've made farther and farther away.  I've been feeling completely alone because of this.  I have done really well this year getting help for myself and getting better, but I've let myself get back to where I was before all of this again.  It frustrates me.  I know I shouldn't be at this place again, but somehow I've let myself get there.  And now I need to find the help and strength to take the steps to go back again.  I just feel alone, and like I don't have a friend in the world.  I mean, I have some friends...but here's the thing- because this is something I've dealt with for such a long time that I feel like I just annoy the one or two really close friends I have, so I've stopped bringing things up.  I have a friend or two that I've gotten to be pretty good friends with, that I know would be there for me if I needed him, but I'm scared because I don't want to piss off or annoy anyone else.  I don't want to ruin the friendship like I've ruined every single other one I've had.  Also with all of this, I seem to have an issue with really getting out how I feel, so no one really knows how bad things really are, and when I try to talk to someone, a friend, or parents, or branch president, or anyone else, it just gets brushed side because of it and also because again of dealing with it for so long, I just get ignored or brushed aside by a lot of people.  It really hurts and it really makes things more difficult.  So basically, no I'm not doing okay, but I'd rather just smile and say I'm great so I'm not dealing with being ignored, or ruining more friendships...But I also know, that the trials I face are for a reason and trusting the Lord, I know I will be able to get through anything.



My new job is freakin awesome!  I am an overnight auditor at a Marriott hotel.  I have only been there a couple weeks but I am in love with it.  The people are awesome, and the best thing about it, is that this is what I want to do when I'm done with school.  I want to someday own or manage my own hotel or resort.  So to know that I have a foot in the door already, makes the job a thousand times better, and makes school a little more bearable.


I love working out with my gym trainer.  I will say I need to step it up some on the days that I don't work out with him, but my trainer is awesome.  He kicks my butt!  He is very supportive and encouraging.  He has said several time my strength and stamina are getting better and I'm starting to see results elsewhere as well.  WOO HOOOOOOO!!!!  Nothing like feeling good right?

I am awesome

I always seem to care about what people think, more like I just want to please everyone and be good enough for everyone.  Seriously?  WHO CARES!  Why can't I just be good enough for myself for once?  I am battling a lot and look at me...I'm still fighting.  That's awesome for me...especially since half of that time I didn't want to keep fighting.  I am a caring person.  I will do whatever I can to help people, and while yes sometimes I get taken advantage of, I wouldn't change it for the world.  I am taking the dedication it takes not only to get an education for myself, but to do it online, essentially meaning on my own.  I don't have someone telling me when to do classes or when to turn things in.  I have to take everything upon myself to get it done.  So you know what I say to those people who say I'm not good enough- SUCK IT! haha I am awesome, I love myself and that's all that freakin matters.  :-D

Rough Time---But getting better

So I've been having kind of a rough time lately.  There are a lot of factors going into this.  Part of it us just that I think my meds need changed around and I had to cancel my most recent doctor's appointment so I haven't been in awhile. Lately, a friend of mine has seemed pretty unsupportive lately and it's upsetting me.  I know they're not doing it on purpose so I've been trying not to get mad...but it's been hard.  I also know that in this most recent rough time I can be doing nothing but annoying a few of the people around me, including just always freaking out, etc.  So I've been working on not bothering them or anyone else (not counting this blog because no one has to read it and I'm just kind of venting to no one lol).  Here's the thing- the more I bottle up, the worse I feel.  The more I let out, the more I annoy and piss people off.  So I'm stuck either way.

Specifically lately besides just the generalness of what I suffer from, I've always hit a pretty low feeling of failure.  Failure to my friends, family, school, any job I've ever had, finances, progress with my therapist, church, and other stuff.  I'm at a very difficult point right now and I just feel completely alone.  I've been trying hard to focus on the church and trust in the Lord, but when I get to these points, it's very difficult.  I still have a testimony and I still know things like I'm not alone and Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me, but it's just so hard to feel and acknowledge.  So for now, I just feel completely alone and try to face this all---I will say recently I went to the movies with someone and had fun and got my mind off of stuff for awhile, so that was a huge help.  These "episodes" of how I've been feeling can last anywhere from a few hours, to a few days, or more.
Hopefully soon this will pass and I'll be feeling good again because trust me, I am not always like this anymore since I've gotten help, and have never wanted to be like this.  I just need people to bear with me.  I know Heavenly Father will help me.  Today started out difficult, but by the end of church I was feeling much better.  I'm feeling pretty good now, so hopefully this is the end of my "rough time"  cause that would be super awesome :) haha

Prayers

I love this church and the gospel.  I don't know what I would do without it.  I'm having another rough day (to the point that I ended up calling off because I was making myself so sick.)  I read my Patriarchal Blessing this evening because it's been awhile and it seemed like it was about time to read it again.  There is one line in there that continues to make me cry every single time I read it.  "You knew beforehand many of the trials, tribulations, and challenges you would have to overcome, yet you accepted without hesitation."  First of all, was I crazy?  But putting that aside...it really makes me think.  If I knew in the preexistence the things that I would go through during this life, and yet I didn't hesitate one bit before accepting...then this must truly be worth it.  Something that came up in Sacrament meeting this week was a story with a lesson along the lines of sometimes God asks us to climb one hill to make us stronger to climb another.  If this is the case, if this is the hill that I'm on to be prepared for something else that will happen in the future....well I don't even want to think about it.  I love reading about the strength and faith and courage all these families in the scriptures show.  It truly shows me the Lord knows us and loves us and knows what is best for us, even if we think we know otherwise.  I know that I am being watched over by my Heavenly Father, through answers to my prayers, by friends and people in the branch.  So I always find some of my favorite scriptures when I'm having these rough times, and these scriptures that I find are always an answer to my prayers and they always make me feel like Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are sitting right next to me speaking to only me.  One of those scriptures is:

 -D&C 24:8  "Be patient in afflictions for thou shalt have many:  But endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days."

another one is John 16:33 "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace.  In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."

so today's scripture that I found that helped me is in Mosiah 24:14-15
"And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders , that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.
"And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord."

Scattered

So I have a lot on my mind...I'm just gonna type

Recently I had a couple of extremely rough weeks.  It was very difficult for me to even handle simple every day tasks without breaking down.  It was a really dark time and feeling, and I am so thankful for awesome friends that are Priesthood worthy.  One of my good friends came down to my place one morning during all this to give me a blessing.  It didn't take things away, but it brought me a little comfort.  I'm feeling a little better...still not super, but well enough to at least get a smile on my face, whether its real or not doesn't really matter.

I also have gotten a new job.  I am finally getting out of retail and into the hotel business.  I want to eventually be a hotel/resort manager or even better, own my own!  I'm super excited

So my callings, I'm grateful for them.  It's kind of a lot on my plate with everything else, but I am grateful to be able to serve the Sister's of the branch and serve the Lord.  I hope I'm doing a good enough job.
I truly love the branch.  I am so glad that Heavenly Father helped me to return to church because the way things are going, I don't know what I would do without the church and without the branch.  They are truly awesome people!

So another thing I want to express about how grateful I am for are my cousins.  My youngest cousin just graduated high school and I am so proud of her!  And I am so thankful for all my cousins.  I'm so glad we get along the way we do and that we live close enough to be close.  They are the friends that are stuck with you always, and it's great to have them in your life.  I am also super excited for my cousin to come home from Afghanistan!  woo hoo!  I love all of you guys!

Don't really have a whole lot more going on at the moment.  Working out with a trainer, finishing up my semester, fun stuff like that

I can't believe how ignorant I was

I used to be ignorant and judgmental.  Not in the worst kind of way and I was never mean to anybody, but I didn't always say or think the nicest things about people.  And it always frustrated me when foreign people would come through my lines at work. making things difficult.  I always wanted to scream at them the learn English.  When I came across people of different religious backgrounds, I would always smile and nod as they talked about their church but wanting to scream at them how wrong and stupid they were.  What in the world was wrong with me?!  I didn't like this about myself and so I spent a lot of time praying for Heavenly Father to soften my heart, to help me be more tolerant, and understanding, and caring; to help me want to learn more about others and their backgrounds.  Yes, I do believe that my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the one and only complete true church on the earth today...but that doesn't mean that other churches don't have bits and pieces of truth.  It doesn't mean that it's wrong to believe in something else.  I would love to bring everyone with me to church so they could believe in the truth, but in this day in age, it's just great to know that there are so many people who do have believes.

Because of Heavenly Father's help, my thoughts and my attitude are much different.  When I come across immigrants/foreigners, I am so much more understanding.  There are a ton of reasons why people come to this country, and being here without knowing much is probably very difficult; it probably took a lot of courage to come to this country.  And when they come through my line and can speak even a little, it shows me they're trying.  What more can I expect?  You don't see me in another country speaking another language for a reason.  When people come through my line, I am actually interested in their stories, I want to learn about everyone's religion and where everyone comes from and what brings them here.  I am so thankful that Heavenly Father has blessed me to being able to feel this way :)

I have a lot to say- too bad the people I'd like to say it to probably won't ever see this

I am so sick of being treated like dirt.  I was in a situation with a friend "Bob" that I let him take advantage of me for so long and when I finally stood up for myself I'm the one who gets treated like crap.  Are you serious?  I did this person a favor, a HUGE favor that did a lot of damage to me, including having to move back home.  I spent time being understanding and not too worried about it being taken care of right away.  I was also "understanding" while Bob put himself in certain situations and then did nothing but sit around and complain about it instead of doing something about it.  Well two years later, I decide that I'm done with hearing the excuses and I stand up for myself to get this favor taken care of.  The only thing I did was tell him how serious I was about it this time, I was not a jerk, I treated him like a human being, I still cared about him and considered him a friend...and what happens?  I am the one who gets treated like dirt.  He acts like a jerk to me, and then when things are all taken care of I get a "Have a nice life"?!?!?!?!?!  What in the world?!?!?!  I am the one who had the right and the reasons to act like a jerk.  You were the one who took advantage of me and everything I did for you.  How does this even make sense to you?  I don't get it.  Well I hope you are happy with the way you left things because don't dare try to come back asking for or expecting anything in the world, because you won't be getting it.  I hope the people around you learn what you're really like real fast because things may be fine now...but soon, your little games and tricks will be up and they will realize the real you.

Now there is "Bob #2"...I considered him a very good friend and I did a lot of things to help him.  Anything I could in any aspect of the friendship...and I was treated like dirt...the thing is, I didn't acknowledge it back then.  He'd pick on me, take advantage over the fact that I considered him a good friend and would do a lot for him, and pushed me to breakdowns...I'm not saying Bob2 was always a jerk, he actually was really great about half the time...but the rest of the time- I just didn't deserve any of it and yet I put up with it...

Let me just say, I have learned a lot about what I deserve from these (and a few other friendships)  I've learned where the limits are and where the point is that I'm being taken advantage of. I'm a good person, and I try to be a good friend...but apparently that's my biggest weakness.  Well like I said, I've learned a lot.  There is only one person left in the entire world that I actually trust, that I know will not treat me like this and that's Kylie.  She's my sister, and I truly would do anything in the world for her, and give her everything I had or everything I could to help her if she needed it...but I know that she wouldn't be taking advantage of me.  She's my best friend, my sister, and her and her amazing daughter Keira are the greatest people ever.  I don't know what I would ever do without them. :)

Bbllaahh

Oh the joys of life...

I'm bored so I thought I'd do a small update...

Walmart is going great.  I enjoy it much more than I did at Target.  I got called into the management office though last night.  Oh man that walk from the registers to the back was terrible; I was freakin out trying to figure out what I could have done to get called back there; well. it turns out it wasn't anything bad.  They wanted to offer me a people greeter position because I had it marked as a current interest, something that I wouldn't mind doing, except when I marked it I didn't realize the pay grade was lower.  It will be a 40cent cut.  I didn't have to take it but as I was talking to Aaron he mentioned that because they only have 3 or 4 primary people greeters I'm basically guaranteed 32-33hours a week (the most I can get for part time)  and when you do the math, yes it's a small pay cut, but the increase in hours will make up for it.  I have averaged about 25 hours a week for cashier at 8.60 an hour is about $215 a week and 32 hours for people greet at 8.20 an hour is about $262.  There is less to worry about and less stress being a people greeter...which I'm not having any problems with feeling stressed at work or any anxiety attacks or anything but you know, with not seeing Laura for awhile it'll be nice to have that break.  And it's definitely not a position I plan on staying at for the rest of my life lol, I mean I've only been there a month for crying out loud.  I have a lot of other things marked on my current interests and if positions open up in any of those areas, if you have it marked in the computer as a current interest you're automatically considered for it. 


Not really a lot else going on besides getting over being sick...it's been real fun.

Yay for random boring unimportant posts haha

A lot on my mind....

There's been a lot on my mind lately, a lot of things going on. 

First of all, I have now been seeing my therapist since October once a week for the most part, well my therapist told me a couple months ago that she was pregnant and was due at the end of April.  So since then we have discussed what kind of options I had for the few months that she would be on leave.  First, I could choose to see someone else entirely every week while she (Laura) was gone and then when she returned I could come back to her, or continue to see the new one.  My second option is to see nobody while she is gone; and my third option is to see how I do without weekly visits but can come in and see somebody if I'm having a rough patch and then go back to Laura or stay with the new person.  I am still not at the point where I can do any of this by myself yet.  I have made an incredible amount of progress in the past six months or so, but I'm still not in a place I'll be able to do well.  However, here's the problem...um I don't wanna go with someone new.  I refused help for so long, I tried dealing with everything by myself for years before I finally realized it wasn't going to be possible.  I went in to my first session with Laura (keep in mind all of this was my choice)  with a very closed mind.  When I was younger and my parents made me see someone in elementary/middle school, I couldn't stand him.  I couldn't trust him, he wasn't helping, and eventually stopped seeing him; so I didn't really go into this therapy session with the best intentions...more like I was desperate.  By the end of the first session I was in tears talking about a few things that I had not told ANYBODY...there's some things from my past that I don't want anyone to know and I don't want to talk about anymore...I managed to get enough of it out to my therapist to be able to work with it and connect it to what's going on now, but I'm scared to see somebody new and have to go through all the past stuff again.  Laura said repeating it again, living through it again could be very helpful...to have someone else on my side and to validate what I feel....but I'm scared, I don't want to do that.  So my final decision was to see how I do, but if I run into problems I'll call in and make an appointment with someone else.  All this being said, I will still be seeing my psychiatrist so it won't be a complete wash out.


My new job-  so far, I love it.  I am treated better, paid more, and the people are awesome.  The only thing is I'm having back pains so I'm waiting for approval for a temporary accommodation till it's better.  However because it's a new job, I feel bad about the whole thing.

Lately I've been really tired, lacking in energy; it's seriously killing me.  I've been randomly falling asleep during the day sitting up while I'm studying, having trouble keeping my eyes open while driving.  I've been sleeping on the same sleep pattern that I have been, nothing really has changed so I don't understand what's going on.  It's effecting my mood/attitude elsewhere....uugghhhhhhhhh

I've been trying to rely on the Lord the best I can, and do everything I need to be doing...I just feel like the past couple weeks I've gone backwards compared to where I was...it's very frustrating.  I know I've made progress, a lot of progress, and I know that I have resources to do okay and that really, I can go without a therapist session every single week if I had to cause I've done it with weeks in between before...just...everything that I'm feeling lately I feel like it just making one step forward ten steps back.  I'm really grateful for all the blessings Heavenly Father has provided me with though and for the all the awesome people he has put in my life.  <3

Why Walmart?

So today is my last day at Target, and I am moving on to Wal-Mart.  I've had so many people ask why in the world would I do that, so I wanted to explain.

First there are the obvious things such as pay, hours, no more food ave stress, having the chance to work with my best friend eventually etc

However- there are also some personal reasons that have nothing to do with any of that.  Now that my depression has gotten better and I'm better handling things, the next thing to tackle is my anxiety.  At target, I've made sure to put myself in situations to avoid any possible anxiety attacks or issues.  I'm too used to it being like that, that even trying to change it there wouldn't work.  I need to overcome this instead of continuing to hide from it.  So I need thrown in the deep end, I can't take this slowly it's never going to work.  Starting over somewhere completely new is the only way to do it.  So that's why I'm making the move, not just for pay and hours, but also to be able to overcome some personal issues.

Just a Reminder

of awesome we all are :)  I love these songs...you are amazing, no matter who you are or where you come from...and I think these songs really have that message behind it








I didn't like the video for the next 2 songs, so here are the lyrics-
Lady Gaga- Born this way

[Intro:]
It doesn't matter if you love him, or capital H-I-M
Just put your paws up
'cause you were Born This Way, Baby

[Verse:]
My mama told me when I was young
We are all born superstars

She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on
In the glass of her boudoir

"There's nothing wrong with loving who you are"
She said, "'Cause he made you perfect, babe"

"So hold your head up girl and you'll go far,
Listen to me when I say"

[Chorus:]
I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

[Post-chorus:]
Oh there ain't no other way
Baby I was born this way
Baby I was born this way
Oh there ain't no other way
Baby I was born-
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don't be a drag -Just be a queen [x3]
Don't be!

[Verse:]
Give yourself prudence
And love your friends
Subway kid, rejoice your truth

In the religion of the insecure
I must be my self, respect my youth

A different lover is not a sin
Believe capital H-I-M (Hey hey hey)
I love my life I love this record and
Mi amore vole fe yah (Love needs faith)

[Repeat chorus + post-chorus]

[Bridge:]
Don't be a drag, just be a queen
Whether you're broke or evergreen
You're black, white, beige, chola descent
You're Lebanese, you're orient
Whether life's disabilities
Left you outcast, bullied, or teased
Rejoice and love yourself today
'cause baby you were born this way

No matter gay, straight, or bi,
lesbian, transgendered life,
I'm on the right track baby,
I was born to survive.
No matter black, white or beige
Chola or orient made,
I'm on the right track baby,
I was born to be brave.

[Repeat chorus]

[Outro/refrain:]

I was born this way hey!
I was born this way hey!
I'm on the right track baby
I was born this way hey!

I was born this way hey!
I was born this way hey!
I'm on the right track baby
I was born this way hey!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Perfect by Pink

Made a wrong turn once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good'
It didn't slow me down.
Mistaken, always second guessing
Underestimated, look I'm still around

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you are perfect to me

You're so mean when you talk
About yourself. You were wrong.
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead.

So complicated,
Look happy, You'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It's enough, I've done all I could think of
Chased down all my demons
I've seen you do the same
(ohh ohhhhhhh)

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you are perfect to me

The whole world's scared, so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line and we try try try but we try too hard
And it's a waste of my time.
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that, why do I do that (why do I do that)?

Pretty, pretty, pretty

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing than you are perfect to me
(you're perfect, you're perfect)
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you are perfect to me

A Genuine love of Christ

I have to tell you about this woman who came in to Target around Christmastime.  She came in a day or two before my cousin Jason was to come home for a 2 week leave from Afghanistan.  We somehow got on the topic of it while I was checking her out on register, and she brought up a relative she has also serving and she always adds anyone she hears about serving to her prayer list.  So she asked his name and everything like that and I thanked her for the prayers and went about the rest of my shift.  I kind of forgot about the incident until a month or so ago she come over to food ave and the first thing she said was "How's Jason doing?"  It completely threw me off.  The fact that she remembered who I was, who Jason was, and took the time to ask about him.  She added that she was still praying for him.  I then ran into her yesterday and again it was the same, "How's Jason doing?  Have you gotten to talk to him recently"  I think it was just amazing how much she cared for someone she barely knew (me) and a complete stranger (Jason)  then she began asking about me and how I was doing and how she was going to add me to her prayers too.  I think she is just an amazing example of the true love of Christ.  I have now of course added her to my prayers and I look forward to the next time I see her.  I love and enjoy her and it's nice to know there are still amazing people out in this world.

Awesome thinking- and Being an Example :)

I've been trying to find super quote for this entry, since I don't have a whole lot to say at the moment (shocker) haha

"For every affliction the world throws at us, the Savios has a remedy of superior healing power."  -Elder Tad R. Callister.  I think this quote is just amazing.  It is so reassuring and a huge reminder that there is a much larger plan in mind then we even realize.  Something I mentioned in my testimony last night was a small line in my Patriarchal Blessing says about how I knew many of the things I would face here on earth but I accepted without hesitation- boy was I dumb!  But no, I'm so grateful for that line because it tells me how much everything is worth.  We're given challenges and trials to learn...if we never had to deal with anything, we wouldn't learn anything.  I know that Heavenly Father won't give me or anyone else anything that we can't handle.  I love life!  and I love everyone in it, I couldn't ask for more awesome people.


So something else I wanted to bring up was something that has been big in the news lately in what happened at BYU with one of their star players being kicked off the team for violating the honor code- if you haven't heard anything about it check it out http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/cougars/51342026-88/davies-byu-team-code.html.csp  BYU's honor code isn't just to be a pain in the butt and make people feel inadequate, that honor code are the same standards, we as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints believe in.  There's been a lot of debate about this, some people applauding BYU, and others criticizing their choice.  That honor code was made known to everyone from day one, and they aren't going to bend the rules for one person, for one game, for one situation.  It's what we believe.  Elder L. Tom Perry said last night during a CES Young Adult Fireside that "Our voices must be heard in opposition, through these dangerous trends, which are destined to destroy the faith of mankind."  We have to be an example to everyone around us.  We have to be the ones to help lead others back to where they belong.  What BYU did was commendable and I am proud of them and proud to be be standing up for those same standards.

The Difference

As I continue my therapy sessions, I've noticed a huge difference.  I've been doing so well lately and it's just so freakin weird.  I mean their are days when I'll be driving, or working or anything thinking I'm depressed cause that's what I have been so used to and it takes a few minutes to realize that no, I'm not depressed...I feel good.  That's not to say that I don't still have a few rough times or bad days or anything, but it's happening so much less often...and those times are not as low as they used to be.  It's so weird but such a good weird.  My medicine and therapy are working....and of course Heavenly Father.  None of this would be possible if it weren't the strength He's given me to get help and all the opportunities He has provided me. 
Joseph Fielding McConkie said "It is not the design of Heaven that we be rescued from all difficult situations.  Rather it is the Lord's will that we learn to handle them."  Which is all totally true, but it kinda SUCKS sometimes haha.  But it's just an amazing difference lately it's hard to even comprehend.